Life is Like Assembling IKEA Furniture

As I spent untold sweaty hours assembling Calvin's bed yesterday, a thought occurred to me: life is like assembling IKEA furniture. For those of you who have undertaken such a task, you know that it is a labor of love as well as a labor of frugality.

IKEA provides you with all of the parts you need, fantastic directions, a help line, and an efficient, well-engineered piece of furniture at the end of your labors. However, as we've all experienced, if you don't read the IKEA directions thoroughly or don't call the help line when you need it, you get midway (if you're lucky) through your project and realize that you've made a mistake or two early on that keep you from completing your piece. And, like I learned yesterday, when asking a two year old to pass me a dowel, it's easy to get distracted. I lost my place, built something wrong, and I had to break it down to start over.

**Sigh**

In life we start out with talents, skills, and traits; direction and inspiration from family, leaders, scriptures, etc.; and prayer. We hopefully recognize a well-lived life as a result of our labors. However, if we don't pay attention, get distracted (mostly by 2 year olds eating IKEA screws or hammering a brother on the head) or ignore help, we may also find ourselves down a frustrating path needing to make some changes.

Fortunately, I discovered my mistake long before Calvin climbed onto his new loft bed. Calvin enjoys his new bed with nary a sign of my mistake. May I have the sense to do the same as a parent and human-being (sometimes these are mutually exclusive)...and if not, may we find a good therapist for them when they grow up.

Dark Knight

OH MY GOSH! I just got back from seeing Dark Knight. Yes, this is one of the petty things that makes me a fantastic wife: I love comic book-based movies. What a fantastic movie!!! Christian Bale: Dreamy. Heath Ledger: Gifted. Aaron Eckhart: Awesome. An action movie with a message. Upon discussion, I realized that the message may differ from person to person (I saw an opinionated political view - Jon...not so much). Gadgets and moves galore. I wished at several points in the movie that I'd had my heart rate monitor on...just out of curiosity. And on, and on, and on. Although, I'll add along with my critical review that there's NO WAY I'd bring a youth to this movie. It's not for the faint of heart or easily impressionable. It's intense and not what I'd call a 'feel good' movie. But it is ridiculously cool.

Has anyone else braved the crowds to see this one? What'd you think????

Brett Favre

All I can say is: Joe Montana.

Here's Brett Favre...one of the best quarter-backs ever...a dynasty in his own right. He is Green Bay. He has also retired and is now trying to get back in the game, first string with Green Bay. They want him to play back up, he's concerned about legacy, and wants to play for another team. When I think of Joe Montana, I think of the great career he had with the 49ers...and the stumbling block at the end with the Kansas City Chiefs.

What doesn't Brett Favre understand? When he is remembered, people are gonna remember how weird it was that he retired (again) from a team other than the Packers.

All such poor taste. I wish NFL retirees would stay retired.

What Makes My Grandparents So Smart

My maternal grandparents emigrated to the United States from Italy, aka the Old Country, in the early 1900s. Eager to assimilate into their new country, they shunned their native tongue for English. Later came World War II, and it wasn't terribly popular to be Italian in the United States. As a result, my mother, like many children of Italian immigrants of the time, never learned more than a couple of words in Italian.

Perhaps this was by design.

What if they were royally frustrated by their children and started yelling (with hand motions as Italians are prone to do)...in a language the kids didn't understand. Parents blow off steam while children remain emotionally intact. They don't know what their parents were saying! Only that they were mad. The only thing the kids take away are a few choice words to remind them of their heritage. Voila!

Hold to the Rod/DIALin' It Up

Because we hang out with the VanDerwerkens a lot, we also get to hang out with their good friends, Jenn and Rod Dial. So, the Dials, and two of their boys, joined us on the aforementioned kayaking trip. Pre-Dial, I anticipated a leisurely row on the lake chatting with the VanDerwerkens, looking at turtles, and passing ducks. Let's just say that when Jenn and Rod join a party, they really Dial it Up: Rod is an outdoorsman extraordinaire and daredevil and Jenn is fun, gracious, and totally laid-back.

Because our group was so big, we had to split into different boats. Originally Lucy and Hannah were in a boat to themselves...and they managed to get stuck 4 times in 10 minutes. So Rod commandeered their boat...I think by jumping into the boat like a monkey. And from then on a bond was forged between Rod and Lucy...like Stockholm Syndrome (where captive identifies with captor) largely punctuated by "Mom! Can I ride in your boat? Mr. Dial is SCARING me!!!" and "I don't like this". (Much to my parenting embarrassment...) All until it came to 'cliff' jumping. Rod was the only way kids were gonna get up to jump. All of a sudden, Lucy had to hold to the Rod, and he was her new best friend.

What Makes Me a Bad Friend

It all starts with Jon wanting to take a cruise together...preferably without kids but with kids cuz I'm the wimp that can't leave them for a week. Which sounds like fun until I get hung up on two little issues: Stuntman Steve (Calvin) taking a swan dive off the ship and international child molesters running the child care. Does that veranda look two year old proof? I submit that it does NOT. Yes, I'm aware that these concerns are statistically irrational. So, the cruise has long been a sticking point for us as a couple.

Fast forward.

One night we were out to dinner with the VanDerwerkens at Central Market which has awesome food and cheap kid eats (Angela and I usually plan our food forays around 'kids eat free'). Angela starts talking about cruises, cruises with families, etc. I state my concerns, and she laughs at me the way Jon laughs at me (they are strikingly similar - one day I'll blog about the sports bra).

Fast forward...or more a slow forward like frame by frame.

I suggested going kayaking (how very rugged of me) the next day...which was a Saturday. Of course, Angela, who actually lives here and isn't in vacation-ish, husband-travel limbo, had plans. Not what I'd classify as lame plans...but they were definitely going to get in the way of our kayaking. She can't get out of the first yoga class she's going to teach at LTF, but playing the organ at a funeral?

Enter bad friend: "Angela, can't you get someone else to do that?"

Angela: "Ok, if you go on a cruise."

So, it's settled: I sell my boating birthright for a day kayaking with friends and Angela's an organ (playing) donor.

TMI and Double-Double Dog Dare

**WARNING!!! WARNING!!! The following post is not for the faint of heart. There will be too much information and a challenge at the end. Proceed with caution...**

Let me set this up. We are in Austin, TX. Which is like the 'weirdest' place on earth. Which I kindof love because I grew up near Berkeley, CA and which I kindof hate because I vote republican. Anyway, hippie, hippie, hippie. Organic EVERYTHING. Whole Foods everywhere. Crunchy, tree-huggy people everywhere. I've never seen more REIs nor smelled more 'natural' deodrant in my life (in the USA). In fact, a guy brought his gigantic floor model BONG to the pool. No joke. Jon and I had been commenting on it for days! Hippieville.

Enter the Too Much Information (TMI) zone: Last time we were in Austin, nevermind. Jon wants me to yada yada yada over this part. A funny idea struck me - maybe it's funny to me because Jon is so, SO ultra-conservative.

Me: "Why don't you go to the Whole Foods across the street and ask them if they carry any organic condoms?"

Jon: "What?! I'm not gonna do that! That's ridiculous. I don't even think there is such a thing."

Me: "So what? It'd be hilarious. Cuz you know they'd look around for it. And if they didn't believe you, you could say how you saw it in some 'Organic Digest' magazine or something. And duh, don't they keep up with their market, yada yada yada. Just sell it."

Jon: "Yeah, I'll tell it's made from seaweed or something. I don't think I could keep a straight face."

Me: "I'll video you...discreetly. You'd go down in blogger/you tube history!!! Come ON!! It'd be sooo funny! I double-dog dare you!"

Challenge: So, we're at a standstill. I still think it would be hilarious to film him doing this. Do you? Would you like to see this funny little exchange? Please see poll to the side or leave a comment. I'm hoping to peer pressure him into it!!!

90% Mackey

Taking the show on the road is always good fodder for a post or ten. As I contemplate yesterday's events, I recognize a pattern: 90% of my 'stuff' comes from Mackey. That kid is sooo funny. Mostly in a "oh shoot! He can't see me laughing at this very, very naughty behavior" kind of way.

Mackey: "MOM!!! MOM!!!! My goggles are gone!" (This is the Mackey equivalent to 'my right arm is missing!'.)

Me: "I'm so sorry! Let's look for them!" (All cheerful and stuff - which is totally a farce because if I were a billing attorney, I'd make partner for how much time I spend looking for said goggles.)

Mackey: "Ummm...uh...I don't think you're gonna find them. They kindof got flushed down the toilet."

Me (thinking that surely a toilet couldn't handle such a humungous object): "Let's go take a look. I'm not even going to ask how they got in the toilet."

Sure enough: gone. The hotel toilet, in its own defense, could probably suck in a small animal.

So, disappointed, but ready to go to the pool, we head down to the small hotel pool where we've gotten to know 'the regulars'. After fun and wet-time mayhem and eating dinner, we head up to the room to change for errands. Mackey, apparently REALLY excited for Sam's Club, drops trou on the pool deck for all to bask in his naked glory. Mackey, the five year old, not Calvin. Sigh. Matthew McCounaghey is a big naked fan...is it a Texas thing? I've always anticipated talking to my daughter about modesty, but I hadn't planned on my SON having such issues!!!

Motherhood Nirvana

Is there a such thing as 'guilt-free mommying'? I want to know. Share your stories. Inspire me. Please? Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like the Holy Grail of Mommyhood!

At least I have the good fortune of choosing between 2 good options: specific summer activities in DFW vs. being together as a family in Austin. Sigh. Swim team, martial arts, swim lessons, flute, film-making (yes, film-making)...gone. Or rather foregone. Paid for...and foregone.

Of course, ingratiating ourselves into the VanderWerken family has certainly made coming to Austin a great time... I just hope that what my kids remember is all the Ohana and the value we placed on togetherness...not the missed classes or playdates...or the hour we spent at Verizon Wireless getting mommy a new phone. What can I say? I got sick of my texts getting punked.

(V)A-Town

SOOOOOOOOO much fun to hang out in Austin this past week - especially when 'A-Town' became (Virginia)A-Town thanks to a visit from Brooke and Justin Allen. We all went out to a wonderful spot for dinner on Lake Travis and chatted up life and VA. Without kids. Thanks to Angela setting up everything...down to a babysitter to corrale our 6 kids. We also went out with Angela's friends and Brooke's agent and they were such a fun couple. And polite as they had to spend half the night listening to all things VA. Here's some pics...

More Angela props: we knew each other in VA in that we ran in similar circles, but we never hung out. We both get down to TX, and the VanDerWerkens are like family. Really. Angela, I know you'll never read this, but YOU'RE THE COOLEST!

Vandercation, My Animal Magnetism, and Jon's a Bone Daddy

As of late, we are spending a lot of time in A-town. Angela's town. Austin. Which I love. It's Nor Cal pretty down here, and we get to spend time with the VanderWerken family. Jon has a project down here that has required above and beyond the regular amount of supervision. So, tired of being a single mom, a desperate housewife as it were, the family and I are tagging along. On the expense account. Which is fun in so many ways...except for my waistline. Who can say 'no' to free food?

Anyway, we've been hanging with the VDWs...who have a bunny. The girls insisted that the bunny sit on my lap. I insisted that my luck was such that the bunny would pee on me. The bunny - whose official name is Blue Bonnet and whom Calvin officially calls Blue Butt - was enjoying its time there when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my lap. Angela was dying of embarrassment - which was funny in itself - and told me that the bunny only peed on people she really liked? Or had a lot of female hormones? Some such. I concluded that it must be my animal magnetism.

We've also 'enjoyed' a 'lovely' dinner at Luby's. Yes, I'm being facetious. As a general rule, I avoid restaurants - or any place for that matter - that rhyme with boobies. The real highlight was that the kids avoided knocking over any one of the 34 people with walkers. But we have pix, and that's what's fun.

All this talk about Luby's rhymes reminds me of a really funny story about a restaurant called Bone Daddy's... Imagine, if you will, a family outing including Jon, his mom, his dad, my mom, my dad, our 3 impressionable young children, and myself. We decide to go to lunch at a BBQ restaurant recommended to Jon by some 'guys at work'. All NINE of us walk in to the restaurant behind Jon to find scantily-clad (Hooter's on steroids) waitresses sauntering about the place. And, since we're in Dallas, they're inked up to the nines. Which Lucy quickly and kid-screetly points out. Jon, blushing all shades of red, quietly suggests that we try another establishment. My mom and I, desperately trying to recover from the humor of this ironic situation, firmly state that we must eat here. After all, it is JON'S recommendation, and as we all know, Jon walks on water with his and my folks. Highlights include: Lucy's learning what a 'tramp stamp' is; pictures of the grandpas with the waitress; an eternal fountain of Jon's embarrassment;

and really good food.