Wear This, Not That Inaugural Post

So...I did it! I posted a style article on our local paper's website. Which, if you could see what I'm wearing right now, is pretty ironic. The editor seems to like it and will submit for hard copy. The link is high-lighted if you want to get the whole local paper experience, but I also pasted the content. See below. Now, if I can just figure out how to get PAID for shooting my mouth off...

Wear These Jeans, Not Those Jeans
The inaugural post. No pressure, right? But at the end of the day, all of us bloggers are exhibitionists and/or voyeurs. I’ll post mine if you post yours. So, here I post…
Well, since I’ve had sick kids, I haven’t been able to go out to take pictures of what not to wear and practice using little black bars to protect privacy. Ok. No. I PROBABLY wouldn’t really do that. Though I’ve had a good laugh thinking about it. But do we really want to find out? Nod, nod, wink, wink… Because I have indeed been buried up to my eyeballs in Kleenex, Advil, and cough medicine with Hydrocodone in it (don’t be jealous), I’m gonna take on a light-weight style subject: jeans.
Although finding the perfect pair can SEEM as allusive as finding the perfect swimsuit – one exists, the other does not – it’s really kind of simple. Not easy, but simple. For the sake of argument, let’s break down jeans into five basic categories: bootleg, flare, trouser, skinny, and please don’t. With those styles come ‘rises’…which refers to how high up on your belly the waistline hits. I’m a mom; I no longer refer to my midsection as ‘abs’ or ‘stomach’…just belly. ANYWAY…I digress. Which I do. There’s 3 essential rises in my oh-so-humble opinion: varying shades of ‘low’ rise (beware the backside and dunlap), ‘mid’ rise (most flattering), and ‘please don’t’ (high-waisted) which is trying to be trendy right now. Ew.
So! If you don’t have a passion for fashion and don’t feel like reading the rest of this, do one thing: buy bootleg jeans. They’re the best thing to happen for the female form since the bra. Anybody can wear them, and everyone should own a pair. Puh-lease, please get a mid rise. They can be fitted or relaxed from hip to knee with a gradually wider shape from knee to hem. They balance out hips as well as add shape to the less shapely. Like I said…a denim miracle. The flare is the trendier BFF to the bootleg. Imagine a bootleg with…wait for it…wait for it…more flare. Not for the overly curvaceous…too much flare can make you look like a reflection in a circus mirror.
For those of you still reading… The trouser leg, maneuvering well from casual (with flip flops) to a little more dressy with the right accruements, is also very flattering. The front pockets are slanted and the leg is easy and slightly wide. Avoid going too wide if you aren’t very tall or if you aren’t built like Heidi Klum.
The skinny leg. It is as it says: it’s fitted and skinny. And, don’t hate me for saying it, they’re also for people reflecting their namesake. Nuff said. You know who you are.
Lastly, the ‘please don’t’ aka ‘mom jeans’. Perhaps I should have led with this. Put simply…these are the jeans that are too high in the rise – I prefer 2-3 fingers below my navel, and frankly speaking, your navel, too – and create a kangaroo pouch no matter how much you weigh. They do this other thing: taper. The only things that should taper are song lyrics and candles. I can’t differentiate between sausage links and tapered jeans. Even my mom, style icon at the ripe ol’ age of she won’t let me tell you, has a pair of old tapered jeans that she wears in the garden. She, weighing all of ‘not much’ even soaking wet, puts on 10 lbs when she busts out those relics.
So, if you’ve got a pair of sausage pants, burn them (Mom, are you reading?). And, hey, it’s better that you know.